Thursday, January 6, 2011

New Year's Resolutions and A Confession I Really Hate to Share..but I must

Last year I made a list of resolutions that I wanted to keep for the new year.  They were outward things like cutting out certain foods or changing my lifestyle in some way.  Well, I have to say that I didn't do too well with sticking to those, but I did keep them in mind and know that because of having that in my conscience I did do better than I had done previously.

Well, this year I've thought about resolutions and kind of realized that I don't like to be under strict guidelines, there is too much of that in my life that I can't control so it can't be things that stick close to a certain line.

Recently I've noticed some things about myself that I really don't like, you see I grew up with a step-father that was critical of everything and everyone and to say he was prejudiced is putting it mildly.  As soon as he saw a person he had a comment for them, he didn't favor any particular ethnicity with his harsh words, everyone was fair game.  My mother was just the opposite, her gentleness and kindness were a constant in my life.  I'm happy to say that I think I've echoed her more than my stepfather...but lately I've found myself being very cynical about certain fact I'm sounding more and more like my stepfather (who is no longer my stepfather, they were divorced a number of years ago) and I'm very upset with myself because of it.  
I know that I have that deep inside me and it will come out if I let it but sadly I also have some folks very close to me now that quickly spout out some of these thoughts also.  I raised my children better and they would never say those things, probably wouldn't even think them but for me hearing those things now brings out the tendency to feel and say those things even today.

So, my resolutions are not outward they are inward, I know that my Savior would not say such things so why do I?  I'm a 50 year old woman that has enough intelligence to know better and yet I find myself doing it.  Sadly, I'm going to give you an example: Last night Katie and I were driving home from the grocery and I saw a wall unit sitting out for the trash outside of a trailer park, I started to say something and when she looked over at me I thought what am I saying that for!  I went ahead and voiced my thoughts but added that I'm ashamed of myself for thinking and saying such things.  I said "That's probably full of bed bugs, roaches or bugs".  Now, who do I think I am?  I truly find nothing wrong with living in a trailer park and actually some of those homes are fixed up nicer than some upper class homes I've seen.  I have in fact had a roach or two in my own home, we live a bit out in the country so I've also seen field mice, we've had ants and some others bugs.  Once again, who do I think I am in so quickly judging what I'm sure are some very nice folks.  I quickly asked the Lord for forgiveness and realized that I am quick to find things to judge and use certain words that I want to cut out completely....I frequently say "stupid, hate, idiot", etc. although I've told my kids sooooooo many times through the years that to say those things makes you those things and I truly believe that.  It's important to me to speak intelligently and those words not only do not sound intelligent they are simply wrong.  

Who am I to judge anyone?  No one at all.  I'm posting this because I want to confess them and I need to see them in print and might just put this up over my computer to remind me every moment that I sit here.  I am a child of God and know that we are ALL His creatures, but I think I let the thoughts of the 'world' invade my heart and soul and so my resolution is to cut that out completely.  I will stick closer to His Word and follow the guidelines that He has set forth for me, not the worlds guidelines...only His.

Now, I will return to fixing my supper and keep praying for guidance, I want to be as close to 'like Christ' as I can and those things are keeping me from that.

In Him,

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