I discovered this morning that when I first wake up I feel absolutely normal, but simply standing up seems to bring the cloud back. But, for that moment I was given a glimpse into my normalcy and had so much hope of what it will be like next week...or the week after...the important part is the hope.
I'm a person that loves to craft, I love to paint, scrapbook, make cards, work with wood, garden, decoupage, basically anything that involves working with my hands. While I'm in this mode I can think about doing those things and how much I love them but there's absolutely no inspiration, the effort it would take to start a project would be much more than I could deal with right now. Truthfully I guess the point I'm making is that right now I think...why bother? Everything seems totally unimportant, I can't even talk to my little mama on the phone which is something we do everyday, simply because I can't focus that long and I don't have any emotions to give me the inclination to even call her. She understands, she's also praying for me and that is so wonderful, she actually went through this just for a few days years ago and has never forgotten the feeling of it so she understands and let's me be alone until I get through this.
Through the years I've always thought that I actually lose a few weeks of my life every year when I go through this, I function only on a need to basis, I do not 'want' to do anything. As I look back at those words I think that maybe I'm wrong about losing this time, maybe it's about a time of contemplation and of being given a glimpse into what some folks live with all of their lives. I know that since I've been dealing with this I watch for it in others, I've been able to help some through the years to get to their doctor for a diagnosis and then helped them through until their meds kicked in and rejoiced with them when they realized they could feel good again.
I do not resent having clinical depression, you see God knew all of this way before my time on earth, I see this as a test of how I will deal with the feelings of hopelessness, physical pain and sadness, even the times that I could not put my prayer into words I knew that God understood, even in our tears, moans and gut wrenching groans, He is there, He is always there.
My sweet little mama has rheumatoid arthritis and I've watched her through the years deal with the physical pain that most of us could not begin to endure, but she is not bitter, instead she comes home from getting her IV meds every six weeks telling me about this poor dear person or that sweet elderly man, etc. My mother puts everyone before herself, she is without a doubt the most unselfish person I've ever known, what an inspiration she is to all of us. Rheumatoid Arthritis is debilitating and will never get better, she has a distinct limp, her hands are disfigured, and she takes more meds every day than most people do in a month but she is just fine with all of that. She says that the one thing she can't do is play the piano, which saddens her..but only for a moment because she chooses instead to see all of the things that she can do, she figures out ways to do what she needs to do, doing it her way, her handwriting is as beautiful as it ever was and you better believe her shoelaces are all straight and neat and tidy when she puts her reeboks on, which are the shoes that work best for her. She even has to buy two pair of shoes because her feet are two different sizes because of foot surgery, her only wish is that she knew someone who could wear the two different sized shoes she can't!LOL Wow!!!! I just found myself laughing out loud at that, that's a breakthrough! If you knew my little mama you'd know why just thinking of her is enough to make you feel better, we all love her dearly!
It's 7pm and I'm still in my gown, I don't do this everyday but today has been just exhausting, haven't been further than the living room all day and feel exhausted just thinking about doing anything, but the good news is that I spent the whole day with my family, Christopher and Katie stayed in my room with me most of the day watching Manchester United and then Milan play, I love them being in here with me and Dan comes in now and again to say something to make me laugh, he doesn't leave until I laugh....they're so kind and loving, I am blessed.
Well, this has been day 10 of taking my added meds and I know within the next few days I should....will be feeling better.
God is good.