Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Simple Observations of the Clinically Depressed

Walking this valley I'm currently in I find that the smallest things mean so much to me. You know in a normal day I just sail around my home doing this and that, sometimes too busy to notice the simple joys of the day. Right now I'm spending a lot of time in my bedroom, since a big part of being in clinical depression is the inability to concentrate on any one thing for very long I move from reading to looking through craft and country decorating magazines to just sitting quietly.
In my normal days I don't sit quietly very often, there's always something to be done and I'm usually quite happy just puttering around getting things done, but right now I can't do it, not until the cloud lifts.
This morning Dan walked in and said 'why are you sitting there just staring?', I told him I was okay and was just thinking but I realized I had been sitting that way for over 15 minutes and had completely lost track of time. Clinical depression is like that, you just zone out and get lost deep down in your thoughts. My thoughts are not bad thoughts, it's just that since I can't really concentrate my thoughts are like leaves blowing in the breeze, they go in so many different directions and I can't really stop it or stay in one thought very long.
I've found through the years that going through this sometimes means I have the inability to pray, I just can't do it, but it's not like that this time. It's almost like all I want or need to do is pray, I'm not speaking of a methodical, repetitive prayer, I'm speaking of feeling deep in my heart that Christ is just a breath away and can hear my unspoken prayers and knows what I need right now because I don't. If you would look at me during these setbacks you would see blank eyes and a solemn face, I'm almost devoid of emotion and I think it's because if I felt any one emotion too much I would be overwhelmed and dive too deep into it, instead I don't feel empty but I just feel like I have nothing to give and at the same time want nothing in return, feelings are just too hard to decipher right now.
I share all of this with you not for pity or sympathy, I want neither, instead what I think I want to do is help others to understand the mind of a clinically depressed person. My sweet little mama has always said that I have a gift with words, I think it's more that I need to write as an outlet for feelings and thoughts that cannot be said.
I want you to know that this will be over soon, I know it takes appr. 2 weeks to get back on track and I've already been on the higher dosage for 8 days so in a few days I'll feel much better. I might actually be writing these words because I want to read them when I feel better.
The light will be here soon, I'm sure of it. The day I wake up and know it's over is like the air is new, my mind is fresh, life is incredible....I'm crying as I type this because I have such hope of that day.
In this valley I know I grow, Christ died on the cross a painful death just for me. If the worst I have to deal with is a couple weeks of being down in the dismal, dark pit, I will not complain, the one enormous light in all this is too know that He is with me, in every tear, every sob and every dark thought, His light still shines through. Please have not pity for me, because you know so many deal with so much more. I am so very blessed.

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